I don’t think I’ve ever been this screwed before. Seriously. This is a new level of SCREWED that I have never ventured before.
The past couple of nights have been long and draining. I haven’t been able to take my daily nap in forever, and I’ve been running on pretty minimal amounts of sleep, because I just kind of figured that once the week came along I’d be able to catch up. Last night I finished a powerpoint presentation for my class today at like 3 in the morning, we presented today, and I drove home thinking, yes, now I can nap. Now I can chill and relax and be one with the world.
And then I got home and decided, hmmm, I wonder what’s on the agenda for my Engl1A class today.
And then right at that moment. A flame from heaven fell from the sky and ENGULFED MY SOUL WITH FIERY TORRENTS OF ANGUISH. My fucking research paper’s notes and outline are due today, and I don’t even have a topic! And not just any notes. My teacher is expecting INTENSE notes. 6 sources fileld with highlighting and side notes and blah blah blah.
Right now my top priority is sustaining consciousness and utilizing the next 4 hours to the utmost advantage, because that’s really all the time I have to pull this fucking 25% of my class grade out of my ass.
BLAH. OH, LIFE. WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?
Oh, but baby, I am all over that control of self.
Looking back on my life, I don’t think it’ll be my high school years that I’ll lament leaving behind. I don’t think I’ll miss the people I knew or the events I participated in during high school. I think it’s right now that I’m going to miss. These moments. These months with their neverending changes and transitions. This is what I’m going to miss if I walk away and never come back. The people and the events and the conversations that have graced my present tense from June to today and potentially up until I move. This is the period of time I want to freeze in a capsule and return to whenever the rest of the world gets to be more than I can handle.
Because though things have been tense and inconsistent and unpredictable, I think I’ve learned and lived and loved more in this time than I have ever. I feel more myself today than I did yesterday, and so on and so forth. The future excites me only because I know that tomorrow is going to be a better day because of what happened today. And yesterday. And the day before that.
I don’t regret a lot, and I’ve come to find that I’m starting to regret even less.
I guess it’s a good thing that there’s nothing keeping me grounded here, seeing as how I’ll be running away from all this very soon.
Or flying away, if you want to be technical about it.
It’s really spectacular that most people don’t even know about the existence of my xanga anymore. Facilitates the whole I want to talk shit about people and not have to worry about whether they’ll see or not.
Sigh. Why do creepy people always find me. No, I will not go see a movie with you. I don’t even know you. Just because I actually replied to your harmless message on myspace doesn’t mean that we’re suddenly friends. Ugh. Sometimes I just get so annoyed that the people who try intruding my life aren’t the people who I need to intrude my life. What’s with the irony, man?
Life’s been a joke. A bad one, but a joke nevertheless. And i just really don’t seem to be moving on fast enough.